


Desultory

by ironstatic (eloquentelegance)



Series: 100 Beautiful and Ugly Words [17]
Category: League of Legends
Genre: Depression, F/F, Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 21:24:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3149003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eloquentelegance/pseuds/ironstatic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>half-hearted, meandering</p><p>(Jinx at her worst.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desultory

_half-hearted, meandering_

Something's wrong with Jinx. At least, more wrong than usual. She just went 0/11/2 in her last match. It wasn't as if her Summoner was unskilled, quite the opposite actually. Although, they were complaining of an odd lag, a problem in the connection between Summoner and Champion. According to them, it was as if Jinx simply lacked the desire to fight. She followed commands slowly and moved sluggishly, not even trying to dodge skill shots. It was quite out of character for someone whose passive is, "Get Excited!"

Lux is concerned. After the match ended, she heads over to Jinx's room. The Zaunite wing stood as far as physically possible from the Piltovians, and subsequently, all of Piltover's allies. This also meant the wing was next door neighbors with Noxus. Needless to say, a paragon of Demacian virtue, such as Lux, has never approached the general area. She wouldn't know which room belonged to Jinx. But luck is on her side. Zac finds her loitering about the wing's entrance and quickly directs her to Jinx's quarters.

"But..." He says, a frown wrinkling his lips. "I don't know if now is a good time."

"It's that bad?"

"See, I can't... really... tell. I haven't heard a peep from her since she got back. Usually you'd hear music or a sautering iron or laughing, lots of laughing. But not today."

"Thanks, Zac. For the heads up."

Zac huffs in amusement, crossing his arms. "And you're still going to see her, aren't you?"

"Am I that obvious?"

Zac only shakes his head. He waves good bye and continues on his way. Lux waves back, watching him turn the corner and disappear. She takes a deep breath. Walking to Jinx's room, she drafts a speech in her head. Hey, Jinx. Heard you were having an off day. I came to check on you. Are you okay? No, that isn't any good. She's obviously not okay. Asking would be pedantic and redundant. Lux should just say hi, ask her if she needs anything, and try to cheer her up. Yeah, that sounds like a better plan.

Nodding to herself, Lux stops in front of Jinx's door. She squares her shoulders and knocks, a light tap-tap against the wood.

"Go... Away." She hears Jinx mutter from within.

"It's me, Lux. I... Are you okay?" Lux winces, mentally slapping herself.

"Leave... Me... Alone."

She scowls and knocks harder. "Let me in, Jinx."

"Oh my god! Are you stupid? I told you to beat it!"

This is getting her nowhere. Kneeling down, Lux pulls a pin out of her hair. The Institute may have the most complex and sophisticated protection spells but they still locked doors with old fashioned keys. As it so happens, Lux is skilled at picking locks. With nimble fingers, the knob turns and she lets herself in.

"How'd you do that?"

Jinx lies on her bed, swaddled in sheets from head to toe. Only her face is visible. Her half-lidded eyes don't register any surprise, just weariness and exhaustion.

"Spell thief." Lux says simply. "Emphasis on the thief."

Jinx groans, pulling the blankets completely over her. "Why won't you leave me alone?"

"Sucks doesn't it? The shoe's on the other foot now."

"Really, Crownguard? Never knew you did vindictive."

"You bring out the worst in me."

Approaching the bed slowly, Lux takes a seat on the desk chair. She looks about the room, taking it all in. The mess was no surprise. Dirty laundry sat in clumps on the floor. A myriad of gears, springs, and wires littered every flat surface. Boxes of take-out were stacked in corners, left to rot. Although, how Jinx got take-out delivered to the Institute is a mystery.

What did surprise Lux were the papers scattered everywhere, tucked under the mattress, shoved between boots, or laid out next to guns. Each and every sheet had a design, increasingly complex and advanced. These were blue prints for revolutionary weapons that could change the face of war. But Lux is more impressed by the equations, the lines and lines of calculations all handwritten.

"So, what did you want, Flashlight?"

"Did you do all of this?" Lux breathes, eyeing the figures etched on the wall.

Jinx peeks out from under her covers, following Lux's line of sight. She snorts. "Oh, that? Yeah. Why?"

"These are impressive. Wow."

Jinx raises a skeptical brow and turns to Lux. "Really? You think so? It's just stuff off the top of my head."

"No, I can tell." Lux looks back at Jinx, admiration evident in her voice. "This 'stuff' is groundbreaking. Horrific but highly advanced."

Jinx blinks. The red of her cheeks made more evident by her pale skin. She ducks back under the sheets.

"Look, if you got no business here, then just go away."

Lux raises her chin. "Not until you tell me what's wrong."

"Why do you care? You don't even like me."

"You're acting strange and I'm concerned. Just because... we're not friends, doesn't mean I can't worry."

"You're not my fucking mother. It's none of your business. Go. Away."

"Just tell me what's wrong!"

Jinx bursts out from under her blankets. She sits up straight and stares Lux right in the eye.

"Nothing's wrong! Okay?! There's no problem! There's no crisis! Everything is peachy keen!" Chest heaving, Jinx coils her hands into fists. Uncut nails dig into her palms as she clutches the sheets, wide-eyed and white-knuckled. "Nothing's wrong... It's just me... It's just me, okay?"

She then bows her head, trying to will her tears away. For a very long, very drawn out moment, neither speak. Jinx can feel Lux's gaze still studying her, dissecting her to molecules and atoms. She's so sharp. Lux is so sharp and so smart and so pretty. And Jinx aches all over to have her.

Faintly, she hears the chair scraping back, and footsteps, the door hinges creaking, then silence. Jinx huffs. Wrapping her arms around herself, she tumbles back into bed. She re-spins her cocoon of blankets, eyes fixed on nothing in particular. Bitch, she thinks. Didn't even close the damn door.

Jinx doesn't know how long she laid there, prone and unmoving. Five minutes? Ten minutes? Lux would know. Lux knows everything. Jinx wishes she stayed. But she's not surprised Lux left. Everyone else did. 

Footsteps snap Jinx out of her daze. It is the slow, shuffling gait of a summoner. She buries her face in a pillow and prays for them to leave, to keep going, to walk past her room. The footsteps stop, right outside her door, of course. She toys with the idea of shooting them in the face. But that never worked before. Maybe she should shoot herself.

Another set of footsteps come running in. It has the distinct metallic clink of armor. A champion, Jinx figures, except no one from Zaun wore armor. Then she hears Lux's voice.

"Hey! What are you doing?"

"I am here to escort Jinx, the Loose Cannon, onto the Rift. She has been selected."

"Well, you can just bug right off."

"I beg your pardon."

"Jinx isn't feeling well today. She won't be participating in any more matches."

"I'm sorry, but that simply isn't done. A champion comes when they are called. This is the rule."

"Rules can be broken. Just tell them... there's a connection problem. Jinx will be unavailable until further notice."

"But you can't just - !"

"Did I stutter, Summoner?"

"No, but - !"

"So, leave. Go on. Shoo."

There's a pause. Jinx holds her breath. The seconds tick by before she hears it The slow, shuffling footsteps walk away. The doorhinges creak again. She sits up, the covers slipping off as she watches Lux step into the room.

"Flashlight." Jinx croaks, swallowing. "You're back."

Lux smiles sheepishly. "Sorry about that... I just... Here."

She holds out a tub of green tea ice cream. Jinx stares at it for a second, brows furrowed.

"For... me?"

"Yeah. I thought - It helps me when I feel sad. So, I figured, you know."

Jinx takes note of the flush crawling up Lux's neck, to her cheeks, to the tips of her ears. She snorts. That's so fucking adorable.

"Thanks."

Lux starts, as if surprised by her gratitude. But she quickly regains composure, squaring her shoulders and taking a deep breath.

"Look. I get it. Sometimes, you just feel sad. And there's nothing you can do about it. And that's fine! You can feel sad. I'm not going to - I won't try to cheer you up. But I'm not - I'm not going to leave you either."

Jinx blinks, baffled. "Why not?"

Lux pauses, wetting her lips. "I know what it feels like to be alone when you're sad."

She then walks over, clearing a space on the desk and setting the ice cream down. She moves to take a seat herself, smoothing down her skirt, folding her hands in her lap. She sits, with knees together and back straight, a picture of order in the middle of a mess. In contrast, Jinx is on her bed, with unbraided hair she hasn't brushed and oil stains she hasn't washed. There's grit stuck under her nails and dried blood on her fingers. And Lux sees that, sees all of that.

But still, she says, "I hope you don't mind if I stay."

Jinx swallows. She can't breathe. Her lungs swell, too small and too big at the same time. It presses against every bone of her ribs, testing its absolute limits. But still, it is not enough air. 

She's in trouble. She's in so much goddamn trouble.

**Author's Note:**

> I fully subscribe to the idea that Jinx at her worst is not when she's blowing stuff up or maiming innocent people. That's Jinx at her finest, her most vibrant and liveliest. Jinx at her worst is quiet, shrinking, curled up under bed covers and still. Jinx at her worst is Jinx stripped of all excitement, all manic joy, all ruthless fun - a hollowed out version bleached of all color and shine. Jinx at her worst is dull, despondent, and done.


End file.
